I Don't Make Sense

Today was similar to most other days. I worked, I struggled to eat well, and I let anxiety get the best of me, especially at work. Unfortunately, I'm not living very consciously at the moment, due to my NY OCD.  It is imperative to my health and happiness that I live in the moment and enjoy Chicago rather than obsess about my move. I need to have faith that the move will happen and that it will happen seamlessly and at the right time. This type of behavior is not my strong suit, but I will do my best. And blogging to you gals is going to have to be a part of that. Time to stop being lazy about things that are good for me.

The stress in my life has manifested itself in it's usual way for me; weight gain, fatigue and a feeling of general unwellness. In other words, I feel like shit! All the time. My heartburn is back with a vengeance, my body hurts, I get winded walking up the three flights of stairs leading to my condo, etc, etc, etc. I'm going to have to do something about it. I don't want to spend my first few months in NY trying to recover from my last few months in Chicago. I am going to make small changes now so that when I get to NY I will be ready to make bigger ones! 

The first thing I have to do is exercise! But I HATE it! Today I was walking down the street and, as usual, I saw quite a few joggers. After every one of them passed me I though, I hate running. So what do I do when I get home? I buy an app called C25K (couch to 5K). What? Does that make sense? No. I should be looking for something that I would enjoy. This is so typically me, though. In 2004 a good friend of mine told me she was doing a triathlon and I said to her, "YOU ARE CRAZY!" The next summer I did my first (and only) sprint triathlon. The following summer I ran the Chicago Marathon. I used to joke about the insanity of those running 26.2 miles and then I did it. I have to stop exclaiming that I will never do something or I will inevitably find myself doing it! Like the time I bungee jumped. WTH was I thinking?? From now on I will always say, that sounds interesting and someday I might give that a whirl.  Or,  perhaps I should use this character oddity to my advantage and give reverse psychology a try? I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL ANYONE WOULD WANT TO COMFORTABLY FIT INTO A SIZE 4???  I AM NEVER GOING TO DO THAT!!!

I also bought an app for push-ups and ate ice cream out of the carton. Like I said, baby steps. 

Tomorrow I have my dumb summer party at work. But, my Mom is coming back so I will be sure not to get too toasted. Once again, Mommy saves me from myself. 

xxJ

I'd Rather Have a New Pair of Chucks

I have spent $35 on eating out today. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I've spent almost as much as the new pair of Chuck Taylor's I keep saying I can't afford cost. It's just ridiculous! I didn't even enjoy the meals very much. And my lunch was just plain wrong! Who the hell forgets the lettuce in a chicken cesar wrap? Who??? Oh, I was so pissed when I got back to my office and opened a chicken cesar wrap with chicken, tomatoes and dressing! What the hell! I kept calling the guy who made my wrap a fucking idiot over and over again in my head and then I'd try to make myself feel bad for thinking such mean thoughts about him. It didn't work. It was far too satisfying to call him a moron, motherfucking, stupid ass for screwing up my wrap. Now I do feel bad for thinking those things about him. And I even feel bad for telling the story. It's just a wrap for GD's sake! My anger was probably more about my frustration with myself for wasting money on something terrible. I don't think lettuce would have helped that much.

I am teaching myself to knit. I super suck at it so far, but I'll get better. My mom said she heard endorphins like knitting. Great! Right now I just want to stab something with my knitting needles. Jeez, I'm so angry today. I hate that feeling. Anyway, you will all be receiving scarfs at some point. You will be required to wear them only when you see me. I'm pretty sure the will look like a monkey knitted them. Actually, I don't think they'll look that good.

Tomorrow I will go the grocery store so I don't have to eat out anymore. I'm starting to hate it. What's the point if it's not a celebration. Or least something as good as you would make yourself. And such a waste of money! No more!!

xxJ

PS- I'm not a mean, angry person. And I would like to apologize to that dumb ass guy. D'oh. I'm sorry.

The Girls Have Entered the Room

I am suffering from too much fun at the big, gay block party, Market Days. I didn't really want to go, but I have a hard time saying no when people ask to me do something. I don't know why I'm like that, but I think it may have something to do with my own fear of rejection. That probably sounds ridiculous since it's just a party and not for anything particularly special. I had fun, but I feel like crap today. I really want to start dieting again. And more importantly, exercising. I gotta find a way!

I do have one blog worthy story from last night. After roaming the street fair for a while, my friends and I decided to stop by my friend's condo. We'll call him Stacy.  I don't know why he gets a girls name. Anyhoo, my friend, we'll call him Cameron, was there with his new boyfriend who we'll call Isaac. Cameron introduces me to Issac and before long the conversation turned to my boobies. Gay men LOVE my girls and, for whatever reason, I will usually let them feel me up.  What can I say,  I'm classy. Or was that trashy? Both Cameron and Issac got a good feel. Cameron was also rubbing my Buddha belly like I had a kid in there. Like in circles and stuff. I seriously cannot escape this pregnant thing. It was odd. I made my escape, socialized for a bit and then returned to the scene of the crime to overhear Issac saying that he has been BISEXUAL for 14 years. Hello!!! Here I think I'm just letting two gay boys touch the fun, squishy things that hang off my chest, but OH NO! One of them just may have been getting a little somthin' somethin' out of that feel. This man got to first base with me (over the shirt, of course) and I didn't even know it! At least he's cute and a lot younger than me. And he's foreign. Okay, he's Canadian. I don't know it that counts as foreign.

Ladies, I am so ready to move! Please pray or wish or hope or beg or plead or whatever it is you do to get the attention of a higher power, that I sell my condo soon! I do not care for the feeling of being in limbo. I want to move and start living the fabulous life of a country bumpkin. One of the first things I want to do is take a writing class. It's time. I gotta try it. And, I know it's crazy to say during a time of such of economic uncertainty, but I think I might want to get into the Real Estate biz. I am so in love with those old farmhouses so I think I'd love selling them. I also want to open a B&B. There's too many options!!! Sheesh!

xxJ

PS- I also want to write a sitcom, go to culinary school, study landscape architecture and be an ASL Interpreter. At least there are things that interest me. For time I wasn't interested in anything and was just living life like a zombie. It was sad and I'm glad that's changed. Oh, and I'd like a husband, please!!!

I Like Vodka.

If ever there were a type of alcohol that screams, "YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC", it's vodka. It must have something to do with the myth that you can't smell it so alcoholics think they can drink it all day long without anyone noticing, i.e. smelling it on their breath. Um, yeah, and you can't smell an outhouse because it's outside. Anyhoo, I'm drinking some right now. I know, I know! It's a Monday night, but my job gave me such a bad stomach ache today that booze is necessary. Sure, I could exercise, but that's hard and I'm lazy. And I enjoy the numbing effect of the booze. Don't worry, it's just a phase. As soon as I never EVER have to step foot in that hell hole again, I will revert back to just being a lush. I am joking (a wee bit) about the severity of my drinking problem, in case you were about to call Betty Ford.

I did not walk by lakefront today because once again it is raining. I am blogging, though. And now I'm done. Very much looking forward to moving to NY. Have I mentioned that?

Tomorrow I am having dinner with one of my best friends whom I don't get see enough. Yay! We will drink old man drinks and binge on Italian food! I will blog. Whether you like it or not!

xxJ

Yeah, Okay, Sure, I'll blog.

Hellllooooo, Ladies! This is the first day that I have not had some kind of crazy "to do" list in ages! My condo is clean and organized and on the market. My Mama is safely back in NM. And I don't know what to do with myself! I'm doing laundry right now and not hating it. It's usually my least favorite chore, but since I have nothing else to do, it doesn't seem so bad.

A lovely couple who live across the street came to look at my place last night. I was half in the bag when they came over and I think my neighbors were, too! We were all very friendly! "This is a great building to live in- blah, blah, blah!". The prospective buyers did not the play that real estate game where you pretend to be a little interested in the place. They openly loved it! I hope they buy it because I want someone who loves this place to live here. And they seemed really sweet. They'd probably be great neighbors. The hubby was so cute. My Mom was like, why couldn't you have found him first. Hahaha! It's a good question. Damn. Oh well.

I'm feeling pretty sad about selling my place, but trying to focus on why I'm doing it. A good friend of mine posted a link to an article the New York Times did on the Hudson Valley on my FB page and it made me feel excited to move again. The next few months are going to be really fun as I enjoy as much time as I can with friends and really sad as I enjoy as much time as I can with friends.

Tomorrow I will blog again. I will also take a walk by the lakefront and possibly work on my vision for my perfect home in the Hudson Valley.

xxJ