Last Blog of 2011

Helllo Ladies! I figured I should wrap things up since 2011 is quickly coming to an end. I haven't blogged much at all in the last 6 months, but I hope to start up again in 2012. Blogging helped me sort things out in a major way. At the beginning of the year I thought my life was headed in one direction, but now I see that, although I'm still on track to accomplish some of the goals I set at the beginning of the year, some goals have changed or been tweaked. I don't know if I would be where I am if I hadn't written down my goals. One thing that hasn't changed is the fact that I still can't spell because I was certain "tweak" was spelled "tweek". This is one hurdle I will have to overcome as the I head down the path to being an ASL-English Interpreter. Moving on...

Who the hell would have ever guessed that I'd be in New F^&#ing Mexico! No disrespect intended, but that was not part of the plan! But here I am and here I will probably end up staying longer than I intended. I refuse to move without a solid plan. And decent savings. I've been a total slacker since arriving here. I haven't even looked for a job. However, I did lots of pondering and that is how I came to sign up for my ASL class. I also did some dating and that is how I came to know that I am NOT DATING ANYONE ELSE IN NM!!! This girl is going to focus on herself once again.

My goals for 2012 are simple. Fall in love with exercise, save money, start learning ASL and hopefully organize a meetup for people who want to practice their ASL skills. I have to find a way to immerse myself in the language because I want to so badly to not only learn ASL, but to be the best I can be at it.

I know this is a very boring blog, but I'm going to Michigan for my annual NYE trip on Friday and I just wanted to get something out there. Including a big thank you for all the support!

Much love to you all!

Happy New Year! May 2012 be OUR YEAR!!!

xxJ

PS- How cool is this???? I can't wait to learn to sign! I want to combine my love of the arts and signing. And I definitely want to work with Deaf kids! Eeee!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUOXSNh9mzk

The Art of the Longest Blog Ever

Today, just so you know, I'm drinking my coffee at home. I am enjoying the pumpkin spice coffee from Trader Joe's. It is so good I can hardly stand it! If you like the pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks, you will want to marry this coffee. It's amazing.

The sun is finally shining brightly today. It makes me so happy! Speaking of being happy, I just started reading "The Art of Happiness" by the His Holiness The Dahlai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. Nice segue, eh? Many years ago I somehow ended up with a copy of it on tape, but during one of my many purgings, I sent it off to the thrift store without ever listening to it. A few years later someone gave me a copy of the book. I think I read a chapter and gave up on it. This year when I was downsizing in preparation for my move,  I put that book in the give away pile and once again sent it off to the thrift store. Two weeks before my move I had a little birthday/going away party and a very good friend of mine from college, who happens to be one of the most positive, upbeat and happy people I know, handed me his copy of "The Art of Happiness", asked me to read it and told me it changed his life. Fine! I get it universe! I need to read this book. And that is what I'm doing. Thank you, Michael. 

After reading three chapters, I have come to the conclusion that I was not ready for this book all those years ago. I'm finding it very interesting now, especially considering my current living/life situation. A few days ago I cut up all of my credit cards and I am now living the life of a deadbeat, which I'm not proud of, but I have felt a certain sense of peace since I decided to live within my means. Even if my means are at the poverty level. My only fear is that people will judge me based on this one action. I'm a very responsible and trustworthy person (I have or had a great credit score), but on paper no one will see that. They will just see "deadbeat who didn't pay her credit card bills". I plan on paying them, but I am hiring a lawyer to help me negotiate a settlement with them. It's better than bankruptcy and if I don't do this, I will never be able pay off my debt. I wish I could go sit on Wall Street with the protesters. You go, young people!

There's one thing in the book that struck a cord with me and I want to share it with you before I sign off. I think it could be a useful tool for anyone who needs help resisting the urge to do something that is ultimately not in their best interest. It would be a great help in all aspects of life, but since I know we all want to lose a few lb's, I think it would be especially useful when trying to resist that damn donut! The book discusses the difference between pleasure and happiness. Pleasure is something that is a momentary good feeling. A fleeting sense of satisfaction. Happiness is stable and persistent and stays with you no matter what your faced with. It's a part of you. And it should be our ultimate goal. So when faced with temptation, ask yourself, is this is going to bring me pleasure or happiness? I've already tried this and failed miserably, but I will keep trying. I'm sure it takes lots of practice, like anything worthwhile.  I'm certain it's worth the effort because imagine how wonderful it will feel when this practice comes naturally to you and you find yourself happy without the donut. 

Goal for tomorrow-

Balloon Fiesta

Nap 

Write a shorter blog

Grateful for-

"The Art of Happiness"

Sunshine

Yummy Coffee

Ft-ers.

xxJ

Coffee Shop Hop

Today I am Satellite. I definitely prefer it to Flying Star, though I think the two are related. I've decided to make coming down here a part of my daily routine until I get a job. And maybe even after I get a job. I keep staring at this guy sitting across the cafe from me. I'm sure he thinks I have the hots for him (remind me to discuss the male ego in a future blog), but really I'm just trying figure out if I knew him at one point in my life. Everyone in Albuquerque looks familiar to me. I haven't lived here in almost 14 years so I'm assuming it's just paranoia. I doubt I know many people here anymore. Okay, I definitely knew this guy at some point. Or not. I should stop staring. I really like staring at people. I'm so fascinated by people and love to people watch, but that kind of behavior can get a girl in trouble. See "stabbing" section from previous blog.

I didn't sleep well at all last night. My Mom's house is old, creeky and not fully furnished. It also has at least 6 doors to the outside. And it's ground level, obviously, and that freaks me out entirely. I'm used living in a fully furnished, semi-recently renovated condo on the third floor with only two doors to the outside. She doesn't have TV either, which is going to change because I can't handle the quiet. It gives me the creeps.

I bet after reading this your asking yourself, if she can't handle the quiet of ABQ, why the hell is she moving to the Hudson Valley? Yeah, I'm asking myself that very same question. And this may be one of the many reasons I was meant to be in ABQ before heading East. To give me a taste of smaller town life. The Hudson Valley is a different kind of quiet, but I'm still questioning if I can handle it. I may have to look into Brooklyn again. No need to make any decisions now, but my inner city girl is definitely starting to question my direction.

I have not had a chile relleno or a sopapilla since I've been back. This has got to change.

Goals for tomorrow-
Blog
Read today's blog so I'll remember what my goals are
Go for a walk

Grateful for-
Coffee money
A perfect place from which to blog
FT-ers.

xxJ

Is This Purgatory?

If you hadn’t figured it out by now, I’m in Albuquerque. I’ve been wanting to blog because I want to keep you gals in the loop. I need my cheering section to be informed so they can coddle me, er, cheer me on! However, I was in such a funk when I arrived here that I decided it was best for me to keep my feelings to myself. I was taking all of my bitterness/frustration/sadness out on Albuquerque and I didn’t want to offend anyone who lives here, loves it here, wants to visit here someday, or drove by and thought “hey, look at all those balloons. Neat!”. It is so hard to go back to a place that you spent your entire life dreaming about getting out of! That being said, I’ve been trying to find ways to appreciate where I am, which is in a beautiful, sunny place where people will knife you if THEY wander into YOUR line of site. Crap. Well, I tried.

Let me try again. New Mexico is a beautiful state. The mountains are gorgeous, the skies go on forever and they are almost always blue. The night air is crisp and stars are bright. The people are friendly (when they’re not stabbing you) and I’m glad I grew up here. I made some of the best friends I will ever have here in NM. And then there’s the green (and red) chile. I’m grateful for my time here if only for the fact that I am part of an exclusive culinary community that knows Christmas can be found year round on a plate in NM.  I love you, NM. I really do. I just don’t want to live here.

I am totally exhausted from the last 9 months of my life, but I can’t seem to relax. I’m still in city mode. Everyone moves so slowly here, which brings the city rage out in me. I know it’s a crosswalk and you have the right of way, but do you have to stroll??? Other people would like to get where they’re going, too, so walk like you mean it!  The sky will still be blue when you get to the other side of the street! I’m looking forward to adjusting to a slower pace. My road rage was ugly and totally unwarranted. Chill out, J!

As soon as I recover from the move, it will be time for me to refocus. I need to start working and saving money for my next move. I fear getting comfortable here and losing site of my NY dreams. I am not allowed to do any acting or dating here! I cannot get attached! I need to be in NY by May! Thank God for my Mom. She will keep me on track. She said that she’s kicking me out if I’m not in NY by May.

Signing off from the Flying Star now. Gotta save something for tomorrow’s blog.

Goals for tomorrow-

Blog

Try a better coffee shop whose wifi is not impossible to connect to

Finish unpacking

Grateful for-

A place to come home to

You girls

The few dollars I have left to my name.

Dion’s

Life

xxJ

PS- I’m also grateful not to be in Nebraska. Driving through Nebraska caused me to suffer a moderate depression. I’m fairly certain that all of the Simpson's characters are based on people who live in Nebraska. Sorry if I offended any Nebraska people, but you sell bumper stickers of little cartoon characters peeing on the name Obama. You are not my people.

PPS- The cost of living here is awesome! And you can actually find stuff at Ross and TJ Maxx. Those places are so picked through in the big city! It’s pointless to even go there.

PPPS- I really enjoyed my Mexican Latte this morning. And I can’t wait to cheer Mel on! And I signed up for a gym membership for only $40 a month!! WTH? It cost $40 for a bottle water in Chicago. Okay, TWO bottles of water. 

PPPPS- My credit union here rules! I’ve had the same account since I was 15 and thanks to technology I don’t ever have to switch banks. Buh-bye forever Chase! You and the rest of the big banks can suck it! I’ll take my lil’ NM credit union and their zero fees for almost everything over the people who charge poor people fees, but let rich people bank for free.

PPPPPPS- There are lots of handsome boys here.

PPPPPPS- NM is going to be a great springboard to NY! 

Gee, blogging helped me improve my attitude. I should do it more often. 

I Don't Make Sense

Today was similar to most other days. I worked, I struggled to eat well, and I let anxiety get the best of me, especially at work. Unfortunately, I'm not living very consciously at the moment, due to my NY OCD.  It is imperative to my health and happiness that I live in the moment and enjoy Chicago rather than obsess about my move. I need to have faith that the move will happen and that it will happen seamlessly and at the right time. This type of behavior is not my strong suit, but I will do my best. And blogging to you gals is going to have to be a part of that. Time to stop being lazy about things that are good for me.

The stress in my life has manifested itself in it's usual way for me; weight gain, fatigue and a feeling of general unwellness. In other words, I feel like shit! All the time. My heartburn is back with a vengeance, my body hurts, I get winded walking up the three flights of stairs leading to my condo, etc, etc, etc. I'm going to have to do something about it. I don't want to spend my first few months in NY trying to recover from my last few months in Chicago. I am going to make small changes now so that when I get to NY I will be ready to make bigger ones! 

The first thing I have to do is exercise! But I HATE it! Today I was walking down the street and, as usual, I saw quite a few joggers. After every one of them passed me I though, I hate running. So what do I do when I get home? I buy an app called C25K (couch to 5K). What? Does that make sense? No. I should be looking for something that I would enjoy. This is so typically me, though. In 2004 a good friend of mine told me she was doing a triathlon and I said to her, "YOU ARE CRAZY!" The next summer I did my first (and only) sprint triathlon. The following summer I ran the Chicago Marathon. I used to joke about the insanity of those running 26.2 miles and then I did it. I have to stop exclaiming that I will never do something or I will inevitably find myself doing it! Like the time I bungee jumped. WTH was I thinking?? From now on I will always say, that sounds interesting and someday I might give that a whirl.  Or,  perhaps I should use this character oddity to my advantage and give reverse psychology a try? I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL ANYONE WOULD WANT TO COMFORTABLY FIT INTO A SIZE 4???  I AM NEVER GOING TO DO THAT!!!

I also bought an app for push-ups and ate ice cream out of the carton. Like I said, baby steps. 

Tomorrow I have my dumb summer party at work. But, my Mom is coming back so I will be sure not to get too toasted. Once again, Mommy saves me from myself. 

xxJ

I'd Rather Have a New Pair of Chucks

I have spent $35 on eating out today. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. I've spent almost as much as the new pair of Chuck Taylor's I keep saying I can't afford cost. It's just ridiculous! I didn't even enjoy the meals very much. And my lunch was just plain wrong! Who the hell forgets the lettuce in a chicken cesar wrap? Who??? Oh, I was so pissed when I got back to my office and opened a chicken cesar wrap with chicken, tomatoes and dressing! What the hell! I kept calling the guy who made my wrap a fucking idiot over and over again in my head and then I'd try to make myself feel bad for thinking such mean thoughts about him. It didn't work. It was far too satisfying to call him a moron, motherfucking, stupid ass for screwing up my wrap. Now I do feel bad for thinking those things about him. And I even feel bad for telling the story. It's just a wrap for GD's sake! My anger was probably more about my frustration with myself for wasting money on something terrible. I don't think lettuce would have helped that much.

I am teaching myself to knit. I super suck at it so far, but I'll get better. My mom said she heard endorphins like knitting. Great! Right now I just want to stab something with my knitting needles. Jeez, I'm so angry today. I hate that feeling. Anyway, you will all be receiving scarfs at some point. You will be required to wear them only when you see me. I'm pretty sure the will look like a monkey knitted them. Actually, I don't think they'll look that good.

Tomorrow I will go the grocery store so I don't have to eat out anymore. I'm starting to hate it. What's the point if it's not a celebration. Or least something as good as you would make yourself. And such a waste of money! No more!!

xxJ

PS- I'm not a mean, angry person. And I would like to apologize to that dumb ass guy. D'oh. I'm sorry.

The Girls Have Entered the Room

I am suffering from too much fun at the big, gay block party, Market Days. I didn't really want to go, but I have a hard time saying no when people ask to me do something. I don't know why I'm like that, but I think it may have something to do with my own fear of rejection. That probably sounds ridiculous since it's just a party and not for anything particularly special. I had fun, but I feel like crap today. I really want to start dieting again. And more importantly, exercising. I gotta find a way!

I do have one blog worthy story from last night. After roaming the street fair for a while, my friends and I decided to stop by my friend's condo. We'll call him Stacy.  I don't know why he gets a girls name. Anyhoo, my friend, we'll call him Cameron, was there with his new boyfriend who we'll call Isaac. Cameron introduces me to Issac and before long the conversation turned to my boobies. Gay men LOVE my girls and, for whatever reason, I will usually let them feel me up.  What can I say,  I'm classy. Or was that trashy? Both Cameron and Issac got a good feel. Cameron was also rubbing my Buddha belly like I had a kid in there. Like in circles and stuff. I seriously cannot escape this pregnant thing. It was odd. I made my escape, socialized for a bit and then returned to the scene of the crime to overhear Issac saying that he has been BISEXUAL for 14 years. Hello!!! Here I think I'm just letting two gay boys touch the fun, squishy things that hang off my chest, but OH NO! One of them just may have been getting a little somthin' somethin' out of that feel. This man got to first base with me (over the shirt, of course) and I didn't even know it! At least he's cute and a lot younger than me. And he's foreign. Okay, he's Canadian. I don't know it that counts as foreign.

Ladies, I am so ready to move! Please pray or wish or hope or beg or plead or whatever it is you do to get the attention of a higher power, that I sell my condo soon! I do not care for the feeling of being in limbo. I want to move and start living the fabulous life of a country bumpkin. One of the first things I want to do is take a writing class. It's time. I gotta try it. And, I know it's crazy to say during a time of such of economic uncertainty, but I think I might want to get into the Real Estate biz. I am so in love with those old farmhouses so I think I'd love selling them. I also want to open a B&B. There's too many options!!! Sheesh!

xxJ

PS- I also want to write a sitcom, go to culinary school, study landscape architecture and be an ASL Interpreter. At least there are things that interest me. For time I wasn't interested in anything and was just living life like a zombie. It was sad and I'm glad that's changed. Oh, and I'd like a husband, please!!!

I Like Vodka.

If ever there were a type of alcohol that screams, "YOU ARE AN ALCOHOLIC", it's vodka. It must have something to do with the myth that you can't smell it so alcoholics think they can drink it all day long without anyone noticing, i.e. smelling it on their breath. Um, yeah, and you can't smell an outhouse because it's outside. Anyhoo, I'm drinking some right now. I know, I know! It's a Monday night, but my job gave me such a bad stomach ache today that booze is necessary. Sure, I could exercise, but that's hard and I'm lazy. And I enjoy the numbing effect of the booze. Don't worry, it's just a phase. As soon as I never EVER have to step foot in that hell hole again, I will revert back to just being a lush. I am joking (a wee bit) about the severity of my drinking problem, in case you were about to call Betty Ford.

I did not walk by lakefront today because once again it is raining. I am blogging, though. And now I'm done. Very much looking forward to moving to NY. Have I mentioned that?

Tomorrow I am having dinner with one of my best friends whom I don't get see enough. Yay! We will drink old man drinks and binge on Italian food! I will blog. Whether you like it or not!

xxJ

Yeah, Okay, Sure, I'll blog.

Hellllooooo, Ladies! This is the first day that I have not had some kind of crazy "to do" list in ages! My condo is clean and organized and on the market. My Mama is safely back in NM. And I don't know what to do with myself! I'm doing laundry right now and not hating it. It's usually my least favorite chore, but since I have nothing else to do, it doesn't seem so bad.

A lovely couple who live across the street came to look at my place last night. I was half in the bag when they came over and I think my neighbors were, too! We were all very friendly! "This is a great building to live in- blah, blah, blah!". The prospective buyers did not the play that real estate game where you pretend to be a little interested in the place. They openly loved it! I hope they buy it because I want someone who loves this place to live here. And they seemed really sweet. They'd probably be great neighbors. The hubby was so cute. My Mom was like, why couldn't you have found him first. Hahaha! It's a good question. Damn. Oh well.

I'm feeling pretty sad about selling my place, but trying to focus on why I'm doing it. A good friend of mine posted a link to an article the New York Times did on the Hudson Valley on my FB page and it made me feel excited to move again. The next few months are going to be really fun as I enjoy as much time as I can with friends and really sad as I enjoy as much time as I can with friends.

Tomorrow I will blog again. I will also take a walk by the lakefront and possibly work on my vision for my perfect home in the Hudson Valley.

xxJ

Let Me Digest

Oh dear. I just ate Chipotle again. Their salads are so good even without the dressing. Unfortunately, their chips go really well with their salads. I only ate half of each, but with everything else I've snacked on today (and the day is not over), it's not a stellar eating day. Why am I even bothering to try right now? Oh well.

Still not super psyched about going to ABQ, but trying to remedy that by posting songs from my high school era on Facebook. Music was so fun back then. Even the hair bands are kind of fun to listen to now. I know it's going to be a great time and I can't wait to see my friends! I'm also working up some enthusiasm for the trip by imaging, to quote Super C, the "Hangover" type fun we'll be having. I see Carmen holding my hair while I barf in the Hyatt's lobby restroom. Meanwhile, Mel is berating me and telling to suck it up and have another glass of champagne. Wonder where I'm going to fit the tattoo in? But, please, lets not acquire any babies, shall we? And no missing teeth.

Today I had this nagging feeling that I'm making a mistake by moving to NY. It's just fear, right? Right. But where am I going to work? I don't want to be broke. Or lonely. Ugh.

So grateful for the beautiful weather we are having today.

Muah!

Pooper

I have gained back every pound that I lost this winter. That's 13.5 pounds back. I hope I'm more motivated after I move. I think I will be. I'm on such a roller coaster of of happy/sad/excited/nervous and I just can't seem to control my eating. It seems like I'm trying, but I guess I'm not really.

That is all.

Muah!

I Sure Do Like My New Hair

I got my roots touched up today. Thank God! I was lookin' trashy. I also cut my hair, but just a wee bit. It's very cute and I'm diggin' it a whole lot. I love my stylist. He has been cutting my hair for 11 years. I also used to work for him and he was great boss!! I don't know who I will let touch my locks in NY.  I'm so spoiled and I trust my guy so much. I don't want to go back to hair chair anxiety.

Have you ladies seen Jill Scott lately? The woman has lost 63 pounds! I always thought she was beautiful, but now she just looks amazing. I need to get back on track with my food. I've been eating mostly healthy foods, but I still have my slip-ups. I have such and addiction to Chipotle! The good news is that I just tried their salad for the first time and it is delicious!! I swear, that place could make a brussel sprout and headcheese quesadilla and I'd probably eat the shit of it. Damn you, Chipotle. I hope there isn't one anywhere close to where I end up living.

Today I had the most annoying commute via public transportation and I thought, I cannot wait to get the fuck out of here and drive a car and not have to spend my entire commute smelling others funk and avoiding eye contact with Crazy-eyes Magoo over there. I do love PT, but Chicago's sucks! It also blows. And it's stupid and I don't like it. Guess who's around the corner? Ding, ding, ding! Miss Bitchface. At least I think she is. She was 8 days late last month.

Tomorrow I am going to my friends annual bbq in the burbs. Yay for spending time with friends!

Muah!

Cheap Ass Stripper Shoes

I've finally come to terms with the fact that I am going to be one of the fat ones at my reunion. I bought a dress for our semi-formal night. I don't even know why we have that night? Are we trying to recreate prom? If so, it will be exactly like my senior prom; no date. I bought a cheap dress because I'm not spending a lot of money to clothe this body. I bought a pair of cheap ass stripper shoes to go with it at Payless! They were 10 bucks. Hahaha! It's not like my feet are fat so I don't know why I was unwilling to buy shoes that cost a little more and won't be the cause of my foot surgery 20 years from now. Knock wood.

I have been dreading my reunion in some ways. I think I've gotten a little anti-social in my old age and I'm not good at that phony reunion conversation where you pretend to remember people and/or care what they've been up to. I know that sounds way bitchy and I don't mean it to. I'm just insecure. And then I don't know what the heck to tell people I've been up to in the last 20 years. Getting fatter. Avoiding marriage and kids. Being a dedicated job hopper. Updating my Facebook status. Blech. I am looking forward to hanging with my best girlfriend from that era sans kids and hubby. I love her hubby and I am a devoted Aunty to her kids, but I'm excited for a girls weekend. AND! AND! AND! And I get to hang with Carmen and Mel!! Yay!

Tomorrow I am getting my roots touched up and I may cut all my hair off again. Short blonde hair sounds fun, but I had a pixie last summer and not sure I want to repeat it. We'll just see how I feel tomorrow.

Been working on my condo tonight and have found more stuff to get rid of. Wish it was worth some money so I could use the profits to replace my broken dishwasher. Oy. Home ownership is a lot of work. Looking forward to renting again. And in my favorite state!!

Muah!

Theresa Made Me Do It!

Well look at little miss Theresa being all inspiring and shit. I think blogging will be my "lifting of my head" even if my blog is one sentence, Imma check in every day. So, prepare yourself for some boring, but easy get through blogs!

I took a ton of stuff to the thrift store tonight. I mean A TON! It made me feel weird. It was hard, but I know in a week I'll forget what I brought there. I made myself a margarita to deal with the loss of my crap. And lemme tell ya, I make a damn good margarita! Just ask Theresa. Actually, ask E. Hehehe.

I'm watching The Voice finale. I have really enjoyed this show and I hope the super butch lesbian, Beverly wins because not only does she have a great rock 'n' roll voice, but it would be awesome to see america vote for her. The woman can seriously rock! Her neck tattoos give me the creeps. I hate neck and finger tattoos. Anyhoo, all the contestants are super talented, though, and I'm sure they will all have careers. Cee Lo Green rocks my world. He is so talented and unique and unafraid to express himself. He makes me laugh with some  of his antics. He said something so awesome to his contestant, Vicki, tonight, which went something like this: "There are so many people that you remind me of you, but no ones reminds me of you, so you are an original".  I will leave you with that quote, ladies, because I think is a universal truth.

Mucho luvs.

PS- Adam Levine is so cute! And sensitive! Who knew? I mean, he screwed Paris Hilton, from what I read on the interwebs. I don't usually associate people who screw P-Hilton as being sensitive. He is man, though. What man doesn't want to screw her. She looks like a blowup doll.

Ruby Red

Apparently I can't post a note in our group so back to blogging. I hope no one is reading this besides you gals. Now, on to the events of the day. I accomplished everything on my to do list. I did not go out to eat and ate pretty healthy. I had fun in the form of buying a new red lipstick from a lovely gay man, who's drag name is Ruby Red, at the MAC counter and then coming home and curling my hair and playing dress up. I love playing dress-up. It's the actress in me. I just can't help myself. I was also trying to find something in my closet to wear to my reunion. Ugh. And how much do I love MAC lipstick! It smells so good! I want to eat it! I went to Old Navy and bought a couple of t-shirts and one skirt. Boring, but I need clothes so bad and I am not going to spend money on quality clothes while I'm in my 3rd trimester. No way.  This attitude is why I have such a depressing wardrobe at the moment. I need some sassy in my life. Cue red lipstick.

I came home and did about an hour of organizing my closet and then went out for my 20 minute walk, which turned into 45 minutes. Yay! My back was hurting by the end of it, though. Boo! I want to run so bad and hopefully I'll get there soon. On my walk I observed a rollerblader and came to conclusion that there is nothing sexy about that activity, ESPECIALLY if you're not any good at it. Roller skates were so much cooler. I was also reminded that the lakefront is where all the hot men of Chicago hang out so maybe that will motivate me to get my butt out there. I like eye candy.

Tomorrow I will eat at home and bring my lunch to work. I will do at least 20 minutes of walking and working on my condo. And have some fun!

Grateful for-
Energy
Fun
Accomplishing goals
Mom
You

xxJ

Gardening is My Antidepressant

Hola Chicka's,



Yesterday I finally planted flowers in my flower boxes and let me tell you, it totally brought me out of the 2 month anxiety/depression fest that has been ruling my world. Last week I contemplated asking a doc to put me on antidepressants because I was so miserable and Miss Bitchface is not even around the corner. But this morning I woke up finally feeling good again and I am pretty certain that gardening was what brought me out of my funk. I have let the stress of moving get the best of me. Bad, Jenna! It has taken over my life and I haven't been able to focus on anything else. Yet, there's not much I can do until I sell my condo and who knows how long that will take? I wish I was better at living in the moment.



I realize now that I have to shift my goals slightly from what they were in January. Realistically, this move will continue to cause me stress, but I want to find ways to control it that are healthy. Binge eating and drinking while not exercising are only serving to make me feel shittier. So, although I don't have the mental fortitude to stick to Weight Watchers right now, I am committing to eating healthy foods. For me that means eating at home at least %80 of the time and making sure to eat fruits, veggies, whole grains and lean protein while limiting sugar and simple carbs. I'm going to quit Weight Watchers for now. It's a great program and I may join again, but I can't commit to weighing and measuring and tracking and meetings right now.



When I was in San Diego I did not track a thing and lost 1.6 pounds that week. The only thing I did was eat a healthy breakfast, stop eating when I felt satisfied and walked about 3 miles a day. I'm going to try doing that here and see what happens. If I walk home from work every day, I will get in about 3.5 miles. And I can walk along our beautiful lakefront, which I will miss. Weight loss is no longer my goal for the time being. I just want to lead a healthy lifestyle and it will be interesting to see what kind of results, weight loss or otherwise, I might see.



My other goal is to do something that I enjoy every day as a form of therapy. I sound like a total crackpot, but I tell ya what, gardening helped quiet all the "what if's" and those "what if's" can just go ahead and suck it! I hate them. I am such a worry wort. I was born with zero coping skills. A mental defect, if you ask me. Anyhoo, I might have to learn to knit or something. Anything creative in nature would do the trick.



So, my goals for tomorrow are-

Eat breakfast and dinner at home and bring my lunch to work

Walk/Run for at least 20 minutes

Spend at least 20 minutes on my condo/move, but no pressure for more than that

Do something I enjoy that does not include the TV or the computer. Guess porn is out. Ha! Just kidding. Wanted to make sure you're still with me.

Not put pressure on myself do to more than I can handle even if it means doing nothing at all



Grateful for-

Feeling so much better today than I have in months.

FT-ers.


xoJ

Mother Nature is Pissed Off!

Hello Ladies! It's been a while since I blogged because I decided I didn't want to blog if all I was going to do was complain. But, today it's storming like crazy and I'm stuck inside, which is causing some major boredom. So, here I am. Blogging to pass the time before my BBQ. Not sure they will be able to light the grill. Might just be a side salad binge!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and ate terribly. I basically stood in the kitchen grazing for about 4 hours. Then I ate a turkey burger and cake... and a cookie. Oh, and I had a beer and three whiskey and gingers. I stepped on the scale this morning and I gained 2 pounds since yesterday. I don't know what happened to my motivation, but it is gone, gone, gone! It should be noted that Miss Bitchface is expected on Tuesday, but I'm tired of using that as an excuse.

I am not exercising at all. I have this strange phobia of exercise. I worry that I'll pass out or have a heart attack or something. I know, issues. I'm so out of shape. I wish I could get that under control. I mean, I ran a frickin' full marathon 4 years ago! And now I can't get myself to train for a 5k. Having a workout buddy would be a major help.

On a positive note, I'm still very excited to move to NY. I'm extremely indecisive just like Super C, but even after a weekend with great friends, I'm excited to leave! I hope a moving miracle occurs and I end up in the city, but I'm okay with being upstate.

Grateful for-
Friends
Nature
Continued excitement about moving
Coffee
Music

Happy Memorial Day!!

Ignorance is Bliss

Okay, so I'm having yet another pity party over here and I can't even blame it on Miss Bitchface. I will blame some of it on the cloudy skies, but only some of it. I am so tired and I feel like crap. I have such a long list of things to do in order to get out of this city and it's freaking me out. I'm super stressed about money, but it seems pointless to look for a new job at this point. I've been looking at airfare to NM for my reunion and it is not cheap. I'm wondering if my high school reunion is really worth the thousand dollars it will likely cost me when all is said and done?

Speaking of my reunion, that was one of the reasons I wanted to lose weight, or so I thought, but now I'm realizing that I don't really care what people think of the 40 pounds I've packed on since high school. And I guess I don't care because, well, it's not high school anymore. I wanted to lose weight for myself, but the reunion seemed like a good goal because it's a big deal. I mean, we only have one 20 year reunion. I still want to lose weight, but I have fallen off the wagon in a way that shouldn't really surprise me because it's not the first time it's happened to me, but yet I'm kinda surprised. I was SO motivated. I know I will get back on track because I am once again suffering from all the ailments that sent me running to WW in the first place, but now I feel I'm behind or like I've taken a giant step backwards so it's hard to get motivated.

Food is going to be a bit more challenging for another reason, which is that I think I'm slowly becoming a vegetarian or I guess a pescetarian since I still want to eat shell fish. I'm even having a hard time with dairy right now because I follow the Gentle Barn on Facebook and I learned things about the dairy industry that were so upsetting to me.  I'm okay with humans eating animals and animal products, but I am not okay with torturing animals. And if I can find responsible farms that don't torture their animals, I would probably be much more comfortable eating meat and dairy.  I'm not making any declarations here, but I am taking another look at the way I eat. And if I continue to eat animal products, I would like to practice humane omnivorism. It won't be easy, but I'd like to give it a shot. Live cows should not be bulldozed, damn it! And I will not go into what commercial and even some family farmers do to calves. I'm sorry. I'll stop, but this has really been bothering me. I almost wish I had never decided to follow the Gentle Barn. Ignorance is bliss, fer realz.

Grateful for-
Friends
Rose
Tomorrow's payday
New music (The Cars new album rules!)
Mom

xoxo

Guess I Won't Change the Name of My Blog Just Yet

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Chicago! It was sunny and warm and it made me so excited to wear summer clothes. I got dressed, checked myself in the mirror, looked up to the heavens and begged God to bring winter back! It is so much easier to hide your body in winter clothes. Summer clothes are much less forgiving. I'll admit that I had horizontal stripes on, but still! It was sad. I grimaced every time I saw my reflection in a store window. And there are a LOT of store windows in Chicago! The worst part of this is that I comforted myself with a cheeseburger and fries. Oh, and two beers. I felt so disgusting after dinner that I vowed to start tracking and eating within my points today!

Cut to today. I have not tracked anything. This morning was a beautiful morning and even after yesterdays wardrobe malfunction, I was once again thrilled to be wearing summer clothes! I basically skipped to the bus stop and was totally okay with not having a seat on the bus because at least I was facing the lake, which is so beautiful in the morning. When we were about two stops from my office, I let out a sigh for some reason and a lovely young lady looked up at me with panic in her eyes and asked, "would you like to sit down?". I was in such a great mood that for about 2 seconds I thought nothing of it and cheerfully replied, "no thank you". Then I looked down to see my hand resting on my stomach in a way that might lead one lovely young lady to think that I'm PREGNANT! Horrified on so many levels, I panicked and began to pray for the bus to run the red light so I could get the hell off of it. All the while,  I was kind of milking the pregnant thing so she wouldn't feel bad. The bus was packed so I couldn't move down the aisle. I just had to stand there, avoid making eye contact with her and rub my belly in that oh so loving way that only a protective mother does. Seriously, I felt worse for her than for me. Hopefully, she didn't realize her faux pas. Oh, and what the hell!! I mean, sure, I've been eating for two for the last couple of weeks, but pregnant? Really?  I will have to be a size two if I don't want people to think I'm pregnant. I have some skinny-ass legs, narrow hips and a big ol' gut. Not a woman's body. It's a good thing I'm not having babies because I don't think these hips would spread. I comforted myself with a caramel macchiato.

I am so unmotivated at the moment, but I plan on going to my meeting on Saturday, weighing in and starting over. Fuck.

Grateful for-
Home
Family
Friends/you
Modern Family
The internet as it helps me vent to people near and far :-)

xoxo

So Here's the Deal

If you will recall, I mentioned my desire to go back to school to learn sign language and eventually become an interpreter. I've lost site of that in my efforts to find a job that will pay the bills. Lame. I have had no luck in finding a job and I know it's because my heart isn't it. How on earth can you manifest something that you don't really want? I suppose it's possible, but ultimately it will be difficult and you'll end up being miserable. And before long, that stuck feeling will return. I don't want any of that for myself. And so, of course, the new job is not coming to me. I have also mentioned a few thousand times my desire to move to New York. I tried to find schools in NY state that offered the program I want. And while there are some programs, none of them seemed right for various reason. Mostly because it's only private schools offering the program and I can't afford that. I searched and searched for a SUNY (state university of New York) schools and found nothing.

Cut to today. I had a very long chat with my Mommy about all of this. She was is in complete agreement that I am not cut from yuppie cloth and will never be happy spending my days in front of computer and denying my creative, funny and nurturing sides just to make a buck. During the course of the conversation it was decided that I will put my condo on the market this summer and go back to school in NY. For what, I wasn't sure of because I'd never found the right sign language program. I just thought I'll apply to SUNY New Paltz and take it for there. I started surfing the net looking for any info on New Paltz. And I should mention that I'm choosing New Paltz because it is where my Dad taught art classes and where my Mom met my Dad. She was his student. A+ in that class! Haha. We know quite a few people around there and it feels familiar to me. All good things. Anyhoo, in surfing I stumbled upon the website for Ulster County Community College in Stone Ridge and decided to see what kind of classes they offer. As it turns out, they have a interpreter certificate program! I was stunned because I tell ya I searched high and low for programs and never saw anything about SUNY UCCC! Maybe when I was looking, I wasn't really ready to make the move, so it wasn't coming up? Or maybe I don't know how to use the Internet? Either way, it's there now and I am *gulp* planning to sell my condo and move back to NY.  My Mom has friends who own businesses in the region and she is sure they'll give me a part time job. And I have family in the area. I am scared shitless about this decision, but I'm tired of waking up and feeling like there is a elephant sitting on my chest. I will miss my friends and my home and I'm sure I will be extremely lonely at first, but I need change in my life and I often feel lonely in Chicago in spite of the fact that I have a huge circle of friends here. So, I'm going to do it! This is all so new that as I type it it feels like a lie. I think (and I hope) that that feeling is just fear rearing it's ugly fucking head once again.

I did not go to my WW meeting this weekend (hello hypocrite), but I am going to get back on track tomorrow!

I hope you're all having a great Mother's Day and thank you so much for reading this. I really needed to "talk" to someone.

Grateful for-
Seeing my long lost friends last night
Sunny weather
Caramel Macchiato's
Education
NY
You gals!

xoxo

Binge much

Why yes, yes I do. In the last two days I have had shown almost no self control. It's the worst I've been since before I joined WW. It is not pretty, man. And neither is my expanding belly. Some days are hard and, well, I guess that's just the way it goes, but I gotta back on track tomorrow. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I'm hungry, but I gotta learn to live with those feelings since they are always fleeting. Be strong. I am PMS-ing, but I have also reached the point in my weight loss where I start to feel a bit cocky, a bit entitled and a bit scared. Yeah, I'm fearful of success, but reaching my goal is going to be a lesson in how great success can be! Right?

Yesterday I had a great time eating and drinking with friends I hadn't seen in months. One of them being my best friend who has a new boyfriend making it nearly impossible to get any time with her. I'm very happy for her. She deserves a great relationship because she kicks ass! But, I miss her. Such is life.

I didn't make my spring rolls this weekend because the grocery store was out of rice paper. However, I experimented with wonton's and I am happy to report that I have a new favorite snack! Fun to make and fun to eat. AND low in points. I stuffed some with cheese, onion and mushrooms and some with just cheese and some with mushrooms, scallions, ginger and a tiny bit of hoisin sauce. All amazing! The possibilities are endless. Next time I will try fresh mozzarella and sun dried tomatoes. Or maybe green apple and blue cheese. Or just apple and then coat the outside with a little cinnamon and sugar. Or maybe I'll do pizza puff style or crab rangoon. Cooking is fun. And, unfortunately, so is eating.

I guess that's all I got. Tomorrow I will eat within my points range and go to the stupid gym.

Grateful for-
No Pudge brownies. 3 points is better 7 or 10.
Feeling grounded and optimistic even when things are hard.
A great night with friends last night.
New recipes
You

Nigh-night.

PS- I am totally on my NYC bandwagon again and think I need to find a job that has a NYC office so I can transfer. You hear that universe? I would like a wonderful job in Chicago that would allow me to transfer to NYC if and when I'm ready. Thank you!!

Small Gain

My small .4 gain has turned me into a WW conspiracy theorist. I should preface this by saying that I know my scale at home is different and I know I shouldn't weigh myself at home. That being said, even if the numbers are different, the result should be the same! I think WW is rigged to keep people paying. I also think the scale on the left hates me. And so does the lady with long ass hair who manages the scale on the left and once said to me that she lost all her weight a half pound a time. Fuck that! I don't want it to take 2 years for me to reach my goal of losing 40 pounds. Actually, I bounced back from the disappointment of not at least maintaining my weight very quickly. What can I do? It's not much of gain and this is going to happen, so whatever.

I was running late this morning so I weighed in and then went to my last session with my trainer and then went back to WW for the meeting. I am going to miss my trainer so much! But, we are going meet up for drinks sometime. Hahaha! He said he's really good at telling people they need to go home. Good thing, since he only drinks on Sunday's. The gays love their Sunday Funday's! I love them too except for that whole workin' on Monday thing. He checked my body fat and I have lost %5 since I started working out with him, which is great news since I was at the top of the body fat scale. I'm still not in the healthy range, but I am much closer! Apparently I need to take more vacations if I want to lose weight consistently. Oh, and this morning's workout was so hard! I am just not a morning person.

Now that I am trainerless I will have to use my Bikram yoga and boot camp groupons. Blech. I'm terrified. My trainer thinks I will hate Bikram yoga because it is killer hard. He is a yogi and says that Bikram heats you from the outside in rather than from the inside out so that's why many yogis feel it is "fake" yoga. I told him I didn't care because I heard that people who regularly practice Bikram yoga lose a shitload of weight. His response- "yeah, because when you're dead your body tends to shrink". LOL!

This weekend I am going to make spring rolls! And also clean my apartment. I need a cleaning lady so bad. I am just not good at cleaning so I should pay someone who is good at it and likes doing it. I will be stimulating the economy and I will become so much more productive in other areas of my life when I'm not living in filthy chaos. Right? Right?  Tomorrow I am going to see a friends show. Kinda looking forward to seeing some theatre. It's been a long time!

Grateful for-
My trainer
A sunshiny day
Coffee
Losing %5 body fat. Woot!
My blogging buddies!

I hope the sun is shining wherever you are and that you all have fabulous weekend!

xoxo

The Fight Not to Gain is ON!

One positive thing about being an apple shaped body is that I can almost always tell when I've gained weight. It's the last place I lose (lose big, anyway) and the first place I gain, always. I think my Easter brunch did a number on me and I feel bloated. I'm giving up all hope of losing anything this week, but I am going to try like hell not to gain! I went to the gym tonight and tried to run. After only a few laps, my chest hurt so bad! Like someone was stabbing me, so I walked for a while, did some ab work and left the gym feeling totally defeated. Stupid exercise!

Tomorrow I will meet with my trainer and try to get some work done on my Microsoft tutorial. BORING!!

Grateful for-

My Mama

My home

My pets

My sense of humor (which is absent tonight)

A new day

Night-Night

Liquid Easter

Why would anyone think bottomless mimosa's are a good idea? They were good, but I drank way too many. I ate really well, but I don't know if that's gonna help me. I've been trying to make up for it, but don't know if that will help me either. Time will tell.

I haven't been blogging much because I don't feel like I have much to say. I definitely am feeling like I have this food thing down. It seems like my appetite is not quite as voracious as it used to be. That could have a lot to do with motivation and a change in season. I don't know? The fitness thing is still really hard for me. I'm lazy. I have two sessions left with my trainer (I will miss him!) and then I think I'll use my Bikram yoga groupon. Those classes terrify me! So do my boot camp classes. I think I have exercise anxiety or phobia or something. Crackpot, party of one? Hello? 

Universe? May I have new job that I love or an epiphany about what I want to do? I would be ever so grateful!

Grateful for-

Friends

Family

Trader Joe's and their amazing prices!

My health

Sunshine!

Later Ladies! xo

Oh Happy Days Are Here Again!

Helloooo, Ladies! I am a very happy girl today. I went back to WW today and I was nervous because I weighed myself at home last weekend and I know my scale is more generous than WW's. Anyhoo, I've lost 2.6 pounds in the last two weeks, according to the WW scale, which confirms that I did indeed lose weight in San Diego and continued to lose at home! Yay! Take that, whooopie pie!! But, this is not the primary reason for my warm fuzzies. On the way to my meeting I noticed that the farmers market, which is about a two blocks from my condo, is open again!!! Yay!!!! I'm so excited. I bought two heads of lettuce on my way home. And skipped the cheese table :-( Summer is so close!!

I feel motivated and energized by my weight loss, so today I'm going to take advantage of those feelings and spend my day cooking and cleaning. I'm going to make black bean burgers and pinto bean burgers to freeze and eat for the week. And then I'll clean my messy apartment (only took one week back-sheesh) and then go grocery shopping for spring roll ingredients and wonton skins. Someday I will try making baked crab rangoon. Yummy! 

Tomorrow I'm going out for Easter brunch and I am not going to worry about the all you can eat/bottomless mimosa aspect of it. I will track and be mindful of my choices. For instance, I now know that I'd rather have something cheesy and bready over something whoopie pie like. 

Grateful for-

Motivation

Sunshine

You

Being invited to Easter brunch

A growing love of cooking HEALTHY. 

Now, if I could just get to a point where I looked forward to exercising. Someday...

Lot's O' Love to you!

PS- I am 1.4 pounds away from being at a 15 pound loss. As much as I try not to focus on numerical goals, I would really love for that to happen this week. Wish me luck!!

Whoopie!

This weeks lesson in lifestyles changes comes to you from the makers of whoopie pies. And that lesson is this; just because you can have something, doesn't mean you should. I ate a 12 point whoopie pie today because I had 40 weekly points left, not because I was particularly craving it or having some kind of diet meltdown. It was really only because a very nice lady on my floor handed it to me and I thought, meh, I have the points, so why no? After eating it I had some major remorse. I could have used those points for something I really wanted, like a giant glass of wine or 20 corn chips and queso. OR, not used them at all, which would have been even better considering I have been kicking ass food-wise this week. My ass kicking streak came to end with that choice. Oh well, live and learn. Sugar always makes me feel so bloated, too, like I gained 10 pounds from a whoopie pie. Blech.

 

This weekend I am going to experiment with spring rolls and toasted wonton skins. I love cooking!! So fun! I will also go to my first ww meeting in two weeks. I'm really looking forward to it. In general I feel pretty motivated, but I have some challenging outings this weekend, like brunch, so I need the meeting to give me that extra motivation. I'll do some laundry and clean and blah, blah, blah, too.

 

Congrats Miss Kim H. on the new job! So much new job mojo around the FT club! I hope I'm next.

Happy Easter, if you're into that kind of thing. 

Lot 'O Love

J

Emotional eater. Who me?

Hello Ladies! I've missed you! I'm all caught up on your blogs and happy to read that you are still the funny, smart, inspiring ladies I deserted for the oceans of SoCal a week ago. Congratulations on the new job, Netty! Anyhoo, enough about you gals and more about me. Ha! Just kidding. I love you all.

There is absolutely nothing more relaxing than strolling the beach in the morning while dogs play, listening to the waves, etc. etc. I did this every morning for 8 mornings. I love the ocean and I love sunshine. The first day we were there we all remarked at the weight that had been lifted from our shoulders. It was great, but by Thursday I was missing my kitties and ready to come home. By this afternoon I wanted to go back. That is how much I do not like my job. It almost brought me to tears today, but I sucked it up and just accepted that the weight is back on my shoulders until I can find something better.

Speaking of weight, I weighed myself at home the morning I left for SD because I knew I wouldn't get to a meeting this weekend and I wanted to gage how I did while I was on vacation. WELL, I lost 1.5 pounds while on vacation. You may be asking yourself how that is possible since I was in the land of booze, chips, and various other treats. My answer is happiness and lack of stress. I was so preoccupied with relaxing and having fun that I wasn't thinking about food every second of the day. I didn't track while I was there, but I was mindful of what I was eating and I managed to really enjoy myself without going nuts. It started at the airport where instead of my usual airport bagel I chose fruit and yogurt. Then I did things like ordering fish tacos a la carte instead of a plate with all the other goods. And one day my friend and I shared a small bacon cheeseburger, onion rings and a malt. SHARED! I actually SHARED a meal! Most mornings I ate fruit and yogurt for breakfast and I walked (more like strolled) for 2-3 miles a day. I enjoyed all the treats, including fudge from the farmers market, but just little bites and, again, never felt like I was depriving myself. I'm so excited about this behavior, especially since the first time I went to OB I gained about 7 pounds. Woohoo! AND! AND! AND I bought a dress. I never ever buy dresses because they never look good on my pregnant looking body, but there was this super cute little boutique that sold Betty Page era dresses and I found one on the sale rack that was so "Mad Men" I just had to try it on. And when it fit I passed out in the dressing room and the clerk had to administer CPR. Okay, that's a lie, but I was surprised and delighted and I spent money that maybe I shouldn't have, but who cares. I love that era in fashion and I deserved it. Now if only I had someplace to wear it. If I lived in NYC this would not be a problem. I could wear to Walgreens and no one would think anything of it. In Chicago I could wear to a black tie affair and people look at me like I'm crazy.

Yesterday I started tracking again. Vacation is over and it's time to hop back on the wagon. Another new behavior for me. It usually takes me at least a week to acclimate to reality, but since I know this about myself I took steps before I left to make sure that didn't happen. I placed an order with Peapod grocery delivery so that I wouldn't have to leave my condo yesterday, but would be supplied with everything I need to get right back on track. Super proud of that decision. Today I have been starving all day, which just confirms that I am an emotional eater. Period. End of story. Stupid fucking job. I need more joy in my life to get rid of the cravings.

This week I plan to track and blog and continue on with the journey. Exercising will be the challenge, but I do have a couple personal training sessions left. Hopefully that will help.

Grateful for-
Safe flights in both directions (I am a fearful flier and it is no fun)
Puppies on the beach
The ocean
Palm trees
Sunshine
Friendly people
Friends
Family
Adventure
New behaviors
Laughter
Cute surfer dudes
Cameras with which to take pictures of cute surfer boys

Night-Night xoxo

Here I Come OB!

Hellllo ladies! I lost 1.2 pounds this week! Woot! And I weighed in at night after a big meal. Normally I weigh in in the mornings on an empty stomach, so I probably lost, like, 1.3. Ha! Anyway, I had a great week with food even if it was difficult due you know who. WHO, by the way, is STILL not here. She's so late! Exercise has really messed with my lady parts. I'll probably get it as soon as I sit down on the plane tomorrow. Back to my weight loss for one moment. In two weeks I lost what I gained in Michigan plus .4 pound and I am super stoked about that because I wanted to have those pounds for San Diego. I still want cake, but now I want April's cake. Dang it! Guess I'll have to wait a while for that :-)

Tomorrow morning I am off to OB (Ocean Beach, San Diego, CA) for a week of doing basically nothing but going to the beach. I make a really good beach bum! Don't even mind sand in my teeth. I am going to be very mindful of what I eat because even though I'm willing to gain a couple of pounds, I'd rather not. I will not be blogging while I'm there, but I'll check in on the group page.

I hope you gals, whom I adore, have a wonderful week!

Grateful for-
Saving $172 in change over the last year! Woohoo!
My Mom
My kitties and my neighbors for babysitting
The ocean
Vacations with friends!

Lots of love and nighty-night!

Don't Make Any Sudden Moves!

Hello to my favorite ladies. I just got home from my dumb-ass job and decided I need to take a little rest before I start mopping. I hate cleaning. Today was a hard food day and I am over my points because I did not set myself up for success. I didn't do any real grocery shopping last weekend since I will be out of town for a week. I'm just trying to use up what's in my fridge. I bought some frozen WW meals for dinners because I'm trying to keep my kitchen as clean as possible, and for the same reason I figured I'd go out to lunch a couple of times. Well, it was a great reminder that prepackaged frozen meals blow. And so does Subway. Yuck and yuck! Sushi rules, though. I was not very prepared for snacks either. So, although I haven't been going over my points by much, I've made this week hard for myself. Today I gave into some samples at the grocery store because I figured a small piece of bread with fresh mozzarella dippy stuff was better than me buying a whole brick of cheese, some cured Italian meats, a baguette and gettin' all cave lady like on my dinner. Nom, nom, nom. And I had 5 corn chips. And I tracked it all. As you all know by now, Miss Bitchfaee is on her way for me, too! And I want to eat everything, but I'm not. I'm choosing bits of things. This week has been all about very slow and deliberate moves. I find myself looking at food for a while and then slowly moving away. The diet police are in my head demanding that I slowly back away from whatever is tempting me. If I don't, I might find myself smashing my face into the nearest cake. I want cake SO bad! I'm hoping I will stumble upon some when I'm vacation. Vacation cake seems so much less evil than your average everyday cake. After the grocery store, I went to Starbucks for a tall nonfat latter. I am now 5 points over for the day so far, but I still have 38 points left for the week. Oh well.  My new mantra is, you don't have to be perfect all the time.  I'm boring you with details, but I don't wanna mop, dang it!

I haven't worked out at all this week. I feel bad about that. I will be starting boot camp and hot yoga when I get back from OB. It's going to be a work hard/play hard summer for me.

Tomorrow-
Hopefully not mop.
Continue staring at my suitcase in hopes of putting something back in my closet. Trying to pack a weeks worth of stuff in a carry-on is not easy.
Maybe go to the gym. I think it would be a very good idea.

Grateful for-
Vacations!
Grocery store samples
Fresh fruit at Walgreen's
You gals
Family

JENWA: PART DEUX

Hello ladies. I am a bit late in my new quarter blog, but better late than never. I thought about reading my first blog because I honestly don't remember what my goals were at that time. However, I think I'll wait until the end of the 4th quarter. It will be far more interesting to see what became of those goals in a year and I don't need to read that blog to know that improving my weight and overall physical health is a major goal of mine. My thoughts and behavior have made that oh so clear. So, what have I accomplished in this area? Well, this little flower has been blossoming very slowly, but I'm %100 percent okay with that! At least now I am. I have only lost 9.4 pound since mid January, but in that time I have a learned a lot and feel more confident than ever that I am making a lifestyle change. I say this because when I fell of the wagon in Michigan and gained 2.6 pounds that week, I got back on and lost 1.8 of it last week. Normally I'd give up, but since I didn't give up, I realized how important this is to me. I've been very motivated again this week, which excites me and encourages me. I learned that you don't have to give up and gain all the weight back, plus some, to find the motivation again. You can take a week break, gain 2.6 pounds, face the piper (i.e. the scale/meeting) and be ready to go again. For this reason, and also because they often lead a feelings of disappointment leading to destructive behavior, I am not setting long term number goals anymore. I am going to live in the moment with WW so that it doesn't feel like there will be an end at some point. There can't be an end. It has to be a learned behavior that lasts forever. I learn a little something new every week.

This week my goals are to get my place and my life organized before my trip. I want to really relax in San Diego, but if I leave my apartment a mess or bills unpaid, etc. I will be worrying about it while I'm away. I hate that!!! I can't wait for fish tacos and corn chips. Have I mentioned that? And the mango margaritas? And the sunshine? And the friends and the laughter? And the palm trees and the wild parrots? And the beach? I love the beach!! I looked up yoga studios today and I might just take a class or two while I'm there. Exercise on vacation??? What? That's crazy!

I'm so excited for this new quarter, which I am starting out as a blonde! First time I've ever had really blonde hair and so far I like it! I think the saying might be true and I see a lot of fun in my future!

Grateful-
My Mom encouraging to take the blonde hair plunge.
A nice, warm weekend.
You girls.
Getting my tax return the night before my vacation! Yeah!
My adorable kitty cats. I already miss them and I'm not even on vacation yet. WTH???

Nighty-Night

New Snack

I tried a new snack tonight that I read about on the interwebs today. Crispy kale. I can't believe I'm writing this, but I LOVED it! It still tastes like kale with a bit of a meh after taste, but the texture is so pleasing to my crunchy, salty snack loving self that I don't care! I will be eating this a lot. If you're interested in trying it, just cut the leaves off the stem, toss with some olive oil and salt and bake it in the oven until crispy. It was about 20 minutes for me, turning once in the middle. I used two teaspoons for one bunch of kale (more would be better, but..) so the whole thing would only cost me 2 points. 

Today I have a ton of energy and I just know it's because the sun was shining brighter than it has in months. Summer is on it's way and I can't wait! 

Tomorrow I will eat healthy and track, work out with my trainer, and continue with my spring cleaning. I really want to finish before my vacation! 

Grateful for-

FT-ers!!! 

Rose

New recipes

A love of cooking

ENERGY!!!

Night-Night 

It's All Good

I'm sitting here in the dark. I thought I'd try observing earth hour, but not sure if it counts when your computer is on. Oh well. I'm doing my best to help our poor little planet out. I could really turn into a major tree huger. I just love our planet and she is being badly abused.

Speaking of abuse, I gained 2.6 pounds this week. Do I know my body or what?! I knew I was close to three pounds. I guess it could have been a lot worse. I did eat an entire Trader Joe's frozen pizza in one sitting, not to mention that stupid salad with all yummy junk on it. And then there was last weekend. I'm actually not upset about it at all. I thought I would be devastated. I wouldn't look at the scale when I was being weighed in because I thought I'd cry. But, I'm totally okay with it. The woman at the scale asked me what got me off track. I told her all of my reasons (none of them good ones) including my frustration with losing so slowly and then she told me that she lost all of her weight a 1/2 pound at time. That conversation turned my attitude around big time! I looked at my weight gain when I sat down, felt a little disappointed, but then almost immediately I focused on the 8 pound loss that I still have. Hey, only two pounds until I've lost 10 pounds again! No big deal. I will do this. I learned about some snack ideas in the meeting and overall felt ready to power on! I love those meetings! They are the reason I won't be quitting WW. In around a year I will be at goal. And until that time I will always be smaller than what I started as. Patience has never been my forte, but I hope to become better at it and maybe this process will help.

After my meeting I decided to take a different route home to see if the new Trader Joe's was open yet. It's not. Boo. Again, that patience thing. Anyway, I get to the bus stop, I look up and who do I see? Bernie from season 5 of The Biggest Loser! How 'effin random is that? And right after my WW meeting. I took it as a good sign.

Tomorrow-
Movie with a friend
Cook a green chili chicken casserole for the week
Make some homemade black bean burgers for lunches
SLEEP IN!!

Grateful for-
WW meetings. They might be more important than tracking for me.
You gals
My Mom
Creativity
Feeling like I am back on track again

Night-Night

Jelly Belly

I have been eating like total crap for two days! I don't want to weight in tomorrow, but I will. I'm guessing a three pound gain. I ate a whole frozen pizza tonight. A big one.

Tomorrow-
Weigh in
Cry
Clean my place
Buy toilette paper

Grateful for-
Having enough TP to get me through the night and morning.
Frozen pizza from Trader Joe's
A movie invitation for Sunday
You girls!
Sleeping in!!!!!

Night-Night

Blah: Part Two

I would like to retract my statement from the other night. I do like to exercise, but I don't like working out on my own. And the anticipation of exercise is always worse than the workout itself. On the days that I meet with my trainer, I just do it and I don't think about it. However, if I try to work out on my own, forget it. It's torture. Mental torture, not physical. Yesterday I did the elliptical for 45 minutes and it was awful and boring and I hated every second of it. I left the gym knowing I had to find a type of exercise that I will enjoy and that is affordable. I will be totally committed if I can find the right thing. Then I start thinking about boot camp, and how much April loves it, and I began to wonder if it would be right for me? Then I get to work this morning and there's an email in my inbox that's one of these groupon type offers, but it's through BuyWithMe.com and it's for boot camp! The deal is $30 for one month unlimited and you can buy up to three months. It made me feel so strongly that the universe is always working with me if it's in my best interest. I mean, how crazy is it that I was thinking about researching boot camps and then that appears. I of course started to wonder if I'm tough enough for it, but after my trainer kicked my butt harder tonight than ever before with the use of kettle bells, AND told me I did "so good" today, I decided I am tough enough and I am going to do it! 

Now, as for dieting, I still hate it. I hate measuring and tracking. Period. End of story. Not sure how I am going to get over this. The thing is is that I know this is not something I can commit to for the rest of my life. I can commit to eating healthier, but all that measuring and tracking is not gonna happen. Not sure what will happen with me and WW. I want to see it through, but...

Thanks for inspiring me as always!

Tomorrow

No exercise

Eat well and hopefully track

Do a little shopping with some gift cards after work

Grateful for-

The universe for giving me a little help this morning

You

A great workout with a great trainer!

Payday

Sleep

Night-Night

PS- I really wish I had a workout buddy. 

Blah

I hate exercising and dieting is stupid.

Tomorrow-
Exercise
Diet


Grateful for-
My trainer
Tortilla chips a.k.a. the greatest snack food ever invented
Dips a.k.a the greatest thing ever to dunk the greatest snack food ever in
Stuff and whatnot
Being done with my list of fives

Night-Night

My Trip and Stuff

Michigan was a lot of fun, but I did not make one redeeming food choice. NOT ONE! I ate too much, I drank too much and I didn't move enough. I ate and drank over 100 points on Friday and Saturday making me 65 points over for this week already. I wasn't going to track, but I was so bored at work today that I figured I'd estimate how bad it really was. Oh, it was bad. So, guess who's butt will be a little bigger this week? Mine. Actually, my butt will fine, however my gut is another story. I am having a hard time getting back into it. A break in my routine has always been my dieting Achilles heel. I have a really hard time getting back on track after a vacation or after someone visits me. I've done okay today with the exception of the grocery store samples. Oops. I hope I get motivated again. I think I've probably gained about 3 pounds. My belly feels big!

I read all of your blogs and am so glad you are all kicking butt!! Go, ladies, go!!!!

Tomorrow
I will keep trying to get back on track.
I will go the gym.

Grateful for
My Michigan friends.
The little bonus my boss gave me.
My back feeling better after going completely out again in MI. Sheesh .
Warmer weather.
You gals.

Night-Night

Michigan Tomorrow!!

I feel like I should have a lot to write since I didn't blog yesterday, but I don't. I'm feeling better about WW. I guess I'll have two positive weeks out of every month, if ya know what I'm saying, and two that are more difficult. Tis the price I have to pay if I want to have babies. Oh, wait. I don't want to have babies. Damn it! I do kinda, but the world is too messed up and my coping skills suck so, nope, ain't gonna happen.

I love my trainer. He tortured me pretty good tonight and when I was on my way out of the gym he said to me "no shots". Hahaha! I make no promises, Mr., but shots aren't really my thing. I'm afraid of next weeks workout since he knows I'm off to partay and probably pig out a little. I am so looking forward to my trip! This winter has been so hard with my back issues, etc. and I feel like I really need this weekend! I am weighing in tomorrow instead of Saturday and I hope I can text my trainer with good news. Then at about 4pm, I stop counting points until Sunday night. I am not going to go crazy this weekend. I will be mindful of what I'm eating and drinking, but I also want to have fun and not worry about it too much. Hopefully, I will not gain, but if I do, I promise not to complain about it.

Tomorrow-
I will track in the morning
I will share a bottle of wine on the train with my travel buddy
I will be so freakin' excited to see my Michigan friends!
I will laugh my ass off!

Grateful for-
My friends
Train travel. I love it!!
My neighbors who will feeding the kitties while get crazy in MI!
My Mama
Hotel. I love staying in hotels! And I love the little soaps.

Have a great weekend, girls!!
xo
Night-Night

Guilt: Part Two

So, I've skipped a couple of days blogging because I had nothing positive to say and I don't want to be whiney. Especially, in light of what is going on in the world these days. It's all so sad and it makes me so nervous. I try to stay away from the news, but my brain cannot shut off or refocus. I think about my children's kids and I just pray that we as a planet get our shit together! I'm far too sensitive. And I know that I have am very lucky in many ways so I wish I could just stop and appreciate that, but instead I worry, worry, worry. They say stress causes belly fat. Uh-huh. I believe it. I'm living proof.

Yesterday I tracked until lunch and then I said, fuck it. I didn't track my afternoon snacking or my dinner. Today, no tracking. I haven't eaten anything particularly bad and I could probably look back on my day, track and find that I'm pretty close to my points range. I mean, I ate the same ol' crap that I always eat.  I'm just burned out on measuring and weighing and tracking and constantly thinking about my next meal. If other things in my life were flowing, I know this would be so much easier. But, everything is a challenge these days. I can't really say that there is anything in my life that is effortlessly working or is at least easy to work on. I feel panicky about my life almost all the time. It's a miracle that I've stuck with WW this long.

Tonight I met with my trainer and he was so disappointed that I didn't lose more last week. He wasn't disappointed in me because I think he knows that I've been doing my part. However, the look of determination he had on his face when he said he was going to get me that pound this week made me feel so guilty about not tracking yesterday or today. He is doing his part so I need to do mine. Oh, and he weighed me on his scale and my weight was higher on it than on the WW scale. I thought I was just going to start crying then and there. My trainer said it was the shoes. Yeah, right. Tomorrow and Thursday I will track, for him.

Grateful for-
Life on stable ground with no nuclear reactors melting down near me. Sigh...
A really fun weekend to look forward to.
Family
Friends
Home
Pets
You gals

Night-Night

The Point

Well, I lost .8 pounds this week. The "point" is really pissing me off!!! My trainer and I thought for sure I'd hit a pound, at least. I had three hard workouts this week and I track EVERYTHING! Hell, I track food that smells good. Okay, I don't do that, but sometimes when I walk past the Thai restaurants (yes, plural) in my hood, the smell is so strong and good that I feel I should give myself a point. I'm happy that so far I have lost something every single week, but for the sake of my motivation I have to lose at least a pound at some point. And every once in a while I have to see a two pound loss, because while I'm happy to be losing, I will get bored and burned out if the I don't see some higher numbers once in a while. I have lost all hope of losing 7.2 pounds by one month from today. That is clearly not going to happen. I'm a little nervous about my trip to Michigan next weekend. It takes so much effort for me to lose so little. I can only imagine that it will not take much in the other direction for me to have a major gain. Ugh.

I went to an earlier meeting today and I like the leader so much better. Of course he's a gay man. I just love the gays! Now I will have to get up earlier on Saturday's so I can get to his meeting. I am not a morning person, but it will be worth it. My former leader had an arrogance about her that bugged me. This guy seems a little damaged and I like that because I can relate to it. He spoke of challenges he still faces and I like that, too. His quote for today was about negative self talk. He said "If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you shouldn't say it to yourself". I've heard that before and it's great advice! With that advice in mind,  I will give myself a big pat on the back for working out three times, for losing .8 pounds and for sticking with WW for 7 weeks now. I would do that for my bff's so I gotta do it for me, too! Actually, I do that for almost anyone who I felt needed it so I should definitely do it for myself! Hello????

I would like to send all of my love to everyone in Japan. I pray that the worst is over and that the world will come together to help you recover from this devastating tragedy.

I hope you ladies are having a great weekend!!

Today/Tomorrow
Clean, clean, clean
Get in touch with my Jewish roots (just in time for St. Pat's day) and bake some Challah bread. Oy vey!
Get in touch with my Italian roots and make some homemade pizza dough for calzones to freeze for easy dinners. They're a little high in points but, forgetaboutit, they're totally worth it.

Grateful-
Myself and all of the people I know and love are safe, healthy and living on stable ground.
Sore muscles. I love the reminder that I did something good for myself.
The sunshine that is trying to make an appearance.
Coffee.
Consistency in my weight loss.

xoxo

Guilt

I wasn't going to blog tonight because after the drunken, toothless mailman asked me if i 'specting and I had to ask, "do you mean pregnant?" and he said, "yes" and I said "no" and he said "I don't mean to be nosey",  I was pretty crabby. But, then I went to see my trainer who kicked my ass and I feel much better now.  My trainer brought me close to vomit town when he put me on Jacob's Ladder. Have you used one of these thing? Pure hell!! I will now be using it every time I go to the gym, which will be more frequently since my trainer said he can check the computer to see if I've come in on our off days. Um, isn't that an invasion of privacy? Sigh. Well, I told him I respond very well to guilt so I'll definitely be in more often. I just wish they offered more classes! I hate the stupid machines. They are so effin' boring, but Eric advised that I switch machines every 20 minutes to make it less boring. I don't know if that will work, but it's worth a try.

Tomorrow
More of the same ol' crap.

Grateful for-
My trainer to the future star!
Gorgonzola stuffed turkey burgers made for me by me and only 4 points!
That no one besides me had to try my train wreck of baked onion rings. Gonna have to try again.
Friday is only a day a way!
Being in a better mood

Night-Night

Failure!

I wasn't going to blog tonight because I don't like writing when I'm sad and feeling like a total failure, but then I figured that this might be a time when I should. I am totally burned out on this WW thing. I had one good day and now I'm back to wanting to eat everything. I'm just tired all the time. And I fight through it most days, but tonight I just couldn't so I'm at 42-ish points for the day. I feel sick to my stomach, but I don't know if it's the food or my emotions? I woke up feeling happy and ready to kick ass, but then I got home work and reality was just everywhere and it totally wiped me out. I was thinking back to when the law firm I worked for YEARS ago wanted to send me to some computer classes, but I wanted nothing to do with it. I flat out refused because I was not going to be stuck in an office for the rest of my life. Now, I'm wishing so badly that I had taken them up on their offer. I need a better job so bad and I need it to be a good one, but until I get some computer training under my belt, it ain't gonna happen. And computer classes are way out of my nonexistent budget. I tried online, but that was a fail. Okay, off to the fetal position I go. Thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, and question: when people lose their motivation for WW, does it come back or do they have to quit and gain all the weight back before it will return?

Tomorrow
Same bullshit as today

Grateful for-
My Mom
My friends
My pets
My home
I get paid tomorrow.

Night-Night

Ralph

Well, my trainer absolutely kicked my ass today! At one point I had to excuse myself because I thought I was going to ralph. It was a tough workout, but I think the fact that Aunt Flo arrived this morning is ultimately the cause. The combo did not do my tummy well at all! I will be so happy next week when I don't have her around anymore! Then he can REALLY kick my butt!! I told him I want to lose 8 pounds before my trip to OB, which is in 33 days or 4 more Mondays or 23 work days, but who's counting?

I am too pooped to write much more. We're supposed to have massive thunderstorm starting around midnight and I doubt they will wake me up even a little.

Tomorrow
Morning pages
Eat well and track
Gym
Computer Practice
Modern Family

Grateful
Able to work out
Still 6 points left in my day
Trainer
Kitties
You

Night-Night

No Panic Fruit Needed!

I think I have some kind of bipolar eating disorder. I'm starving. I'm full. I hate dieting. I love eating healthy. Today I have been totally satisfied and I have not worried about food once. I have one point left in my day, which I'm sure I'll find a way to eat, but I don't think I'll need any panic fruit tonight. Hurray! If every day could be like this, I would be so much more into this WW thing. One thing I have come to love it bringing my lunch to work. When I don't feel like preparing my lunch I remind myself of what my options will be if I don't, and honestly, none of it appeals to me. I want my healthy lunch. I will take that little bit of success and run with it!

Today was my first experience with morning pages and I was surprised at how easy it was to write 3 pages. I don't remember what I wrote about, except for some bit about St. Patrick's Day being the second sluttiest holiday of the year next to Halloween. I'm sure I did not write anything profound or interesting, but I think I will end up loving this exercise, if only for the mere fact that I don't have to write anything profound or interesting.

Welcome back, Carmen!

Tomorrow-
I will continue in my quest to lose 8 pounds by April 9th by eating well, tracking and going to the gym.
I will write my morning pages, say my affirmations and meditate, while drinking coffee.
I will dust and clean all surfaces including windows.

Grateful for-
Friends
Rose
My vision of what I want for myself becoming a little clearer
The return of my motivation
Ocean Beach-  I am so looking forward to my vacation!!

Night-Night

Eight Pounds

I want to lose 8 pounds by April 9th! I'm going to San Diego and I was really hoping to reach my %10 by then. However, after this past month, I realize that 8 pounds in a month is not an easy goal to achieve. I have a weekend in Michigan coming up in two weeks and I predict a whole lot of bad behavior. I'm already thinking about the pizza. Last time we were there we created a large pizza by choosing slices of all the different varieties they had in the case. One slice had macaroni and cheese on it. That slice wasn't nearly as good as I had hoped, but you get where I'm going with this. My only potential savior is exercise, if only my back would feel %100 better!!!! PLEASE!!!

Today started reading the Artists Way in hopes of "restarting my artistic engine" and one of the assignments in the book is do what she calls morning pages. Basically you wake up early every day and write three pages in a journal. It's total stream of consciousness. It is not meant to be anything other than a "brain drain". Then you are not to look at those pages again. NO JUDGEMENT! We artists are so very hard on ourselves. Anyway, I'm pretty excited to start this 12 week journey.

Food wise, today was pretty hard again. The only difference is that I did not go over my points. I was just starving all day. Then I got back from the grocery store and I felt totally full and bloated. Could Aunt Flo be landing? God, I hope so.

Tomorrow-
I will wake up early and start my morning pages
I will eat within my points and track everything
I will go to the gym and do whatever I can. I just have to go!
I will meet with my neighbor Rose to continue work on all that fun spiritual stuff.
I will watch a movie, I hope.

Grateful for-
The Artists Way and Rose for suggesting it.
Remembering the existence of Boca Burgers.
Random texts from friends telling me they miss me and to move to NYC!
Texts from friends telling me to move to Phoenix! I feel so loved this weekend.
My little Grace face. She has become very snugly in her old age.

Nigh-Night

Whatever

I lost .4 pounds. It got me to my %5, but after I weighed in I had to excuse myself and go cry in the lobby. I have lost less and less weight each week for a month, 1.6, 1.2, .6 and now .4. It makes me fear next weeks weigh-in. I know it's better than a gain, but as hard I work on food, I would think it would at least get me a pound! The meeting reminded me that it's not only about losing weight, but also about overall health. This little reminder made me feel slightly better, but it didn't prevent me from saying fuck it and pigging out. I might regret that move next week, but I felt like I needed it. I went to Chipotle and ordered chips and guac and a burrito with everything! I didn't finish everything, but I tracked it as if I had. I also had a cadbury cream egg. Oops. So, before 2pm, I had consumed 57 points. I feel kinda gross now, but at 7pm I am am still full. My poor stomach is trying to deal with what I put it through 6 hours ago. I have 21 weekly points left, but the night is not over so we'll see what happens to those remaining weekly points. I'm tempted to just eat some kind of dinner and not count it, call Saturday a bust and start fresh in the morning knowing I have 21 extra points for emergencies.

Obviously, part of the reason I'm not losing at least a pound a week is because I haven't been able to exercise due to my back issues. And the fact that my back was bothering me so much yesterday makes me fear what this coming week has in store for me. I put so much effort into eating only my 29 points (sometimes a couple more, but rarely) until Friday and Saturday when I dip into my weekly points a little, and it makes me sad that it's not enough. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. I will rally.

Tomorrow I am going to read the first chapter of The Artists Way and work on a vision board or two. I will eat well and track everything. Sleep diet.

Grateful for-
Chipotle, kind of.
Sleeping in
Hours spent in bed with coffee and kitty cats
Blogging
Completing my "to-dodo" list today *wink* Hahaha!

Night-Night

Has Anyone Seen My Ice Cream Sandwich?

So, I am now convinced that my dumb ass job is the source of all evil and is why my back is once again stiff and hurty. Yep, hurty is a word. You can find it in the Dictionary of Jenwa. I was feeling so great and this morning I even took a moment to express my gratitude to the universe for feeling great. Cut to 5 hours later and I am once again walking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I am, of course, much cuter! You gals said so. Even with my lazy eye. Anyway, all I wanted to do today was eat, again! What the hell!!! I had oatmeal, turkey and cheese, a ton of veggies and low fat dip, a veggie sandwich from Jimmy John with almost no fake gauc spread (fuckers), grapes, a slice of cheese and then when I got home I immediately cooked, and inhaled, my delicious dinner of scallops and garlic mashed cauliflower. It was a damn good dinner, if I do say so myself. THEN, I think I ate an ice cream sandwich, but I'm not sure so I might have to eat another one. I still have 20 weekly points, assuming I calculated everything correctly (ha!), so I can have 6 more ice cream sandwiches and still have 2 points left! I'm sure that would be totally fine and not have a negative impact on my weight loss! This now concludes the sarcastic portion of this blog. Okay, of this paragraph.

Theresa is my hero for setting herself up to be able to quit her job and pursue her passion. I hope to one day follow in her footsteps.

Tomorrow I will go number 2, damn it! It's been two days! No wonder I'm so pissy! I'm all bound up. I will also go to my WW meeting and if I do not lose weight I will eat 252 points worth of chocolate Exlax next week. I will also clean my messy apartment! I have been trying to accomplish this goal in it's entirety for months, but my back has not allowed me, too! I was sure this weekend would be the weekend and, damn it, it will be. I'll probably stay in tomorrow night and start reading The Artists Way. I suspect I'll be quoting that book a lot! And, I will bloggy blog.

Grateful for-
The days that my back did feel good.
You girls
That I was raised to not be a homophobic idiot. I LOVE my gays!!!!
Humor
Creativity
A love of cooking

Night-Night!

The Luck of the German Was Upon Me at Lunch!

We had "free lunch on the boss man day" today rather than tomorrow since my coworker will be out for her birthday. We ordered from a restaurant that had all the stuff I wanted; crab cakes, Rubens, fish and chips, baked brie, etc. I settled on a veggie burger with American cheese and a small salad with Italian dressing. I don't do low fat dressing since there's not much of a point difference and it usually tastes like sugar water. Do I look like a fucking hummingbird? Anyhoo, I made peace with my decision and didn't expect much from the meal. I figured it would be your standard veggie burger patty on some generic wheat bun. However, when our food arrived, I was surprised and delighted to see my boring veggie burger on big, beautiful pretzel bun!! Umpa! I coulda done a polka I was so happy! I ate every last point of that bun! I figured it was about 6 points and that was just fine by me! And you know what? I was not hungry until dinner, for once.

Speaking of dinner, I would like to profess my love, again, to the spaghetti squash and all of it's zero point glory. Thank you spaghetti squash for filling me up without the need to spend a gazillion points. However, next time, could you be a tad less sweet? Did I overcook you? Was that the problem? Whatever, I still love you.

Tomorrow I will spend the entire day at my desk since my coworker is out of the office. I'll even eat lunch there. Yay. I'm already resigned to eating a 10 points Jimmy John's sandwich for lunch because I don't want to deal with sprinting to the kitchen for my boring lunch. Not that Jimmy Johns is good, mind you. It's just that I'll get a little avocado in my life and that will be fun. Then I'll come home, blog and go to bed early in anticipation of getting to sleep in. Ahhh. More sleep. Yay.

I am very grateful for a lunch that I did not have to prepare or pay for and that included a pretzel bun. I'm grateful that my Dad apologized to me with a very nice email. I'm grateful for coffee in bed, my kitty cats and SPAGHETTI SQUASH!!! Oh, and my willingness to try new foods even if I think I'll hate it. Most of the time I'm right, but then sometimes I find SPAGHETTI SQUASH!!

Night-Night

I'm Back.

I've only missed a few days and it feels like a month. I've been so tired at the end of the day and I've taken it out on my blogging by not blogging. Not much to catch you up on. I lost .6 pounds last week, which is only good because it was not a gain. I have been so good with my food that if I gain, I will be beyond pissed! I have not gone over my weekly points ever! Even on the dreaded wine night. And I think I'm pretty good at tracking. If I'm unsure, I add more points. I am, however, burning out. This week I have wanted nothing more than to just cheat and eat whatever I want, but have I? No. I ate too many dried apricots and felt disappointed in myself and like a rebel. Oooh. Screw you WW, I hate 20 dried apricots! I have been truly starving this week. Not emotionally hungry, but hungry hungry. NOTHING satisfies me. I'm starting to PMS, but Aunty is not due to arrive until mid next week. I think I have record long PMS. Or, again, maybe I'm just burning the hell out. In two weeks I am going to Michigan and I know it will be a big food and beer weekend, so I keep telling myself to keep it together until that weekend and then I can cheat a little. I haven't had anything resembling a good pig out since the beginning of January and I want one. How pathetic. I need my fix, man! I torture myself by browsing recipes all day. Ha!

I met with my trainer tonight. He whooped my butt, which isn't hard since I am grossly out of shape.  "Jenna, climb A STAIR. You can do it! Give me one push-up! Are you puking?"

Tomorrow is my coworkers birthday lunch and I will try my very best to not order anything even kinda fun. I might go to Yoga, depending how I feel. I will blog.

I am so grateful that my back has been feeling so much better, that Rose is helping me manifest a better life for myself, that Modern Family makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it, that my mortgage company was nice to me on the phone and that I have managed not give up on Weight Watchers yet.

Night-Night