Mother Nature is Pissed Off!

Hello Ladies! It's been a while since I blogged because I decided I didn't want to blog if all I was going to do was complain. But, today it's storming like crazy and I'm stuck inside, which is causing some major boredom. So, here I am. Blogging to pass the time before my BBQ. Not sure they will be able to light the grill. Might just be a side salad binge!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ and ate terribly. I basically stood in the kitchen grazing for about 4 hours. Then I ate a turkey burger and cake... and a cookie. Oh, and I had a beer and three whiskey and gingers. I stepped on the scale this morning and I gained 2 pounds since yesterday. I don't know what happened to my motivation, but it is gone, gone, gone! It should be noted that Miss Bitchface is expected on Tuesday, but I'm tired of using that as an excuse.

I am not exercising at all. I have this strange phobia of exercise. I worry that I'll pass out or have a heart attack or something. I know, issues. I'm so out of shape. I wish I could get that under control. I mean, I ran a frickin' full marathon 4 years ago! And now I can't get myself to train for a 5k. Having a workout buddy would be a major help.

On a positive note, I'm still very excited to move to NY. I'm extremely indecisive just like Super C, but even after a weekend with great friends, I'm excited to leave! I hope a moving miracle occurs and I end up in the city, but I'm okay with being upstate.

Grateful for-
Friends
Nature
Continued excitement about moving
Coffee
Music

Happy Memorial Day!!

Ignorance is Bliss

Okay, so I'm having yet another pity party over here and I can't even blame it on Miss Bitchface. I will blame some of it on the cloudy skies, but only some of it. I am so tired and I feel like crap. I have such a long list of things to do in order to get out of this city and it's freaking me out. I'm super stressed about money, but it seems pointless to look for a new job at this point. I've been looking at airfare to NM for my reunion and it is not cheap. I'm wondering if my high school reunion is really worth the thousand dollars it will likely cost me when all is said and done?

Speaking of my reunion, that was one of the reasons I wanted to lose weight, or so I thought, but now I'm realizing that I don't really care what people think of the 40 pounds I've packed on since high school. And I guess I don't care because, well, it's not high school anymore. I wanted to lose weight for myself, but the reunion seemed like a good goal because it's a big deal. I mean, we only have one 20 year reunion. I still want to lose weight, but I have fallen off the wagon in a way that shouldn't really surprise me because it's not the first time it's happened to me, but yet I'm kinda surprised. I was SO motivated. I know I will get back on track because I am once again suffering from all the ailments that sent me running to WW in the first place, but now I feel I'm behind or like I've taken a giant step backwards so it's hard to get motivated.

Food is going to be a bit more challenging for another reason, which is that I think I'm slowly becoming a vegetarian or I guess a pescetarian since I still want to eat shell fish. I'm even having a hard time with dairy right now because I follow the Gentle Barn on Facebook and I learned things about the dairy industry that were so upsetting to me.  I'm okay with humans eating animals and animal products, but I am not okay with torturing animals. And if I can find responsible farms that don't torture their animals, I would probably be much more comfortable eating meat and dairy.  I'm not making any declarations here, but I am taking another look at the way I eat. And if I continue to eat animal products, I would like to practice humane omnivorism. It won't be easy, but I'd like to give it a shot. Live cows should not be bulldozed, damn it! And I will not go into what commercial and even some family farmers do to calves. I'm sorry. I'll stop, but this has really been bothering me. I almost wish I had never decided to follow the Gentle Barn. Ignorance is bliss, fer realz.

Grateful for-
Friends
Rose
Tomorrow's payday
New music (The Cars new album rules!)
Mom

xoxo

Guess I Won't Change the Name of My Blog Just Yet

Yesterday was a beautiful day in Chicago! It was sunny and warm and it made me so excited to wear summer clothes. I got dressed, checked myself in the mirror, looked up to the heavens and begged God to bring winter back! It is so much easier to hide your body in winter clothes. Summer clothes are much less forgiving. I'll admit that I had horizontal stripes on, but still! It was sad. I grimaced every time I saw my reflection in a store window. And there are a LOT of store windows in Chicago! The worst part of this is that I comforted myself with a cheeseburger and fries. Oh, and two beers. I felt so disgusting after dinner that I vowed to start tracking and eating within my points today!

Cut to today. I have not tracked anything. This morning was a beautiful morning and even after yesterdays wardrobe malfunction, I was once again thrilled to be wearing summer clothes! I basically skipped to the bus stop and was totally okay with not having a seat on the bus because at least I was facing the lake, which is so beautiful in the morning. When we were about two stops from my office, I let out a sigh for some reason and a lovely young lady looked up at me with panic in her eyes and asked, "would you like to sit down?". I was in such a great mood that for about 2 seconds I thought nothing of it and cheerfully replied, "no thank you". Then I looked down to see my hand resting on my stomach in a way that might lead one lovely young lady to think that I'm PREGNANT! Horrified on so many levels, I panicked and began to pray for the bus to run the red light so I could get the hell off of it. All the while,  I was kind of milking the pregnant thing so she wouldn't feel bad. The bus was packed so I couldn't move down the aisle. I just had to stand there, avoid making eye contact with her and rub my belly in that oh so loving way that only a protective mother does. Seriously, I felt worse for her than for me. Hopefully, she didn't realize her faux pas. Oh, and what the hell!! I mean, sure, I've been eating for two for the last couple of weeks, but pregnant? Really?  I will have to be a size two if I don't want people to think I'm pregnant. I have some skinny-ass legs, narrow hips and a big ol' gut. Not a woman's body. It's a good thing I'm not having babies because I don't think these hips would spread. I comforted myself with a caramel macchiato.

I am so unmotivated at the moment, but I plan on going to my meeting on Saturday, weighing in and starting over. Fuck.

Grateful for-
Home
Family
Friends/you
Modern Family
The internet as it helps me vent to people near and far :-)

xoxo

So Here's the Deal

If you will recall, I mentioned my desire to go back to school to learn sign language and eventually become an interpreter. I've lost site of that in my efforts to find a job that will pay the bills. Lame. I have had no luck in finding a job and I know it's because my heart isn't it. How on earth can you manifest something that you don't really want? I suppose it's possible, but ultimately it will be difficult and you'll end up being miserable. And before long, that stuck feeling will return. I don't want any of that for myself. And so, of course, the new job is not coming to me. I have also mentioned a few thousand times my desire to move to New York. I tried to find schools in NY state that offered the program I want. And while there are some programs, none of them seemed right for various reason. Mostly because it's only private schools offering the program and I can't afford that. I searched and searched for a SUNY (state university of New York) schools and found nothing.

Cut to today. I had a very long chat with my Mommy about all of this. She was is in complete agreement that I am not cut from yuppie cloth and will never be happy spending my days in front of computer and denying my creative, funny and nurturing sides just to make a buck. During the course of the conversation it was decided that I will put my condo on the market this summer and go back to school in NY. For what, I wasn't sure of because I'd never found the right sign language program. I just thought I'll apply to SUNY New Paltz and take it for there. I started surfing the net looking for any info on New Paltz. And I should mention that I'm choosing New Paltz because it is where my Dad taught art classes and where my Mom met my Dad. She was his student. A+ in that class! Haha. We know quite a few people around there and it feels familiar to me. All good things. Anyhoo, in surfing I stumbled upon the website for Ulster County Community College in Stone Ridge and decided to see what kind of classes they offer. As it turns out, they have a interpreter certificate program! I was stunned because I tell ya I searched high and low for programs and never saw anything about SUNY UCCC! Maybe when I was looking, I wasn't really ready to make the move, so it wasn't coming up? Or maybe I don't know how to use the Internet? Either way, it's there now and I am *gulp* planning to sell my condo and move back to NY.  My Mom has friends who own businesses in the region and she is sure they'll give me a part time job. And I have family in the area. I am scared shitless about this decision, but I'm tired of waking up and feeling like there is a elephant sitting on my chest. I will miss my friends and my home and I'm sure I will be extremely lonely at first, but I need change in my life and I often feel lonely in Chicago in spite of the fact that I have a huge circle of friends here. So, I'm going to do it! This is all so new that as I type it it feels like a lie. I think (and I hope) that that feeling is just fear rearing it's ugly fucking head once again.

I did not go to my WW meeting this weekend (hello hypocrite), but I am going to get back on track tomorrow!

I hope you're all having a great Mother's Day and thank you so much for reading this. I really needed to "talk" to someone.

Grateful for-
Seeing my long lost friends last night
Sunny weather
Caramel Macchiato's
Education
NY
You gals!

xoxo

Binge much

Why yes, yes I do. In the last two days I have had shown almost no self control. It's the worst I've been since before I joined WW. It is not pretty, man. And neither is my expanding belly. Some days are hard and, well, I guess that's just the way it goes, but I gotta back on track tomorrow. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I'm hungry, but I gotta learn to live with those feelings since they are always fleeting. Be strong. I am PMS-ing, but I have also reached the point in my weight loss where I start to feel a bit cocky, a bit entitled and a bit scared. Yeah, I'm fearful of success, but reaching my goal is going to be a lesson in how great success can be! Right?

Yesterday I had a great time eating and drinking with friends I hadn't seen in months. One of them being my best friend who has a new boyfriend making it nearly impossible to get any time with her. I'm very happy for her. She deserves a great relationship because she kicks ass! But, I miss her. Such is life.

I didn't make my spring rolls this weekend because the grocery store was out of rice paper. However, I experimented with wonton's and I am happy to report that I have a new favorite snack! Fun to make and fun to eat. AND low in points. I stuffed some with cheese, onion and mushrooms and some with just cheese and some with mushrooms, scallions, ginger and a tiny bit of hoisin sauce. All amazing! The possibilities are endless. Next time I will try fresh mozzarella and sun dried tomatoes. Or maybe green apple and blue cheese. Or just apple and then coat the outside with a little cinnamon and sugar. Or maybe I'll do pizza puff style or crab rangoon. Cooking is fun. And, unfortunately, so is eating.

I guess that's all I got. Tomorrow I will eat within my points range and go to the stupid gym.

Grateful for-
No Pudge brownies. 3 points is better 7 or 10.
Feeling grounded and optimistic even when things are hard.
A great night with friends last night.
New recipes
You

Nigh-night.

PS- I am totally on my NYC bandwagon again and think I need to find a job that has a NYC office so I can transfer. You hear that universe? I would like a wonderful job in Chicago that would allow me to transfer to NYC if and when I'm ready. Thank you!!